Sunday, November 24, 2013

Cringe-Worthy Jokes

1. What do you do with a dead chemist?
A: Bari-um

2. Knock knock
Who's there
Ya
Ya who?
Yahooooo!

3. What did silver say to gold?
A-U!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Mad Cow Disease

Two cows are sitting in a field.
One turns to the other and says "Man, have you heard about that mad cow disease? It seems pretty scary, I hope I don't catch it."
The other looks back and says "I don't care, I'm a helicopter!"

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Anti-Jokes

Honestly, I've never really understood the appeal of this form of dark humor, but here are a few anti-jokes to  brighten your day.

Sally
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Not Sally.


Mailman
How do you make a mailman cry?
Kill his family.


Baby
What's red and flies?
A baby in a blender.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Bloody Bats

I love this joke too!

There are three vampire bats hiding in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, they decided to have a blood-drinking contest.
The first bat went and came back with blood dripping from his fangs. The other two were amazed.
"Whoa!" Said a bat "How many peoples blood did you drink?"
"You see that castle over there?" The first bat pointed to one of the castles. the other two bats nodded "I drank blood from three people there."
The next night, the second bat went out and came back with his face covered in blood.
"See that castle over there?" She said to their bewildered expressions. "I drank blood from 5 people.
The next night, the last bat went out and came back, his whole body covered in blood.
"How much blood did you drink?"
"See that castle over there? Well, I didn't!"

Friday, March 20, 2009

Memory Joke

I really like this one! Tell me if you do too!

A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things.

Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen to make a sandwitch." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure honey." She then asked him, "Don't you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some chocolate
syrup on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." Now irritated, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then goes down stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchenwith his sandwitch and a tray and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and yelled angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Knot

Here's an old classic:

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Bartender, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”
Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and cuts his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Bartender, can I get a couple of beers.”
The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

Fred

Okay, Okay, this joke isn't that funny but oh well so here you go!

Old Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to get worse and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it was best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"